Grills Gone Wild

So You Think You Can Dance the Live Show had it's tickets go on pre-sale this morning and I just bought my ticket (a high quality floor seat) for Charlotte in November. I am bristling with excitement and anticipation.

So You Think You Can Dance the television show has gotten to the point where I don't want to see anyone eliminated. They are all great dancers. They are all winners in my book. The only reason I keep watching is because the choreography continues to knock my socks off. I'm glad that this excellence has been recognized by the Emmy nominations (this year) and awards (last year). This isn't a competition; it's unadulterated entertainment.

One thing is for certain. Cat Deeley should stay away from grills.

Targeting the Back to Schoolers

I have spoken before of my love for Target ads. Chris Hansen to pop out and command, "Have a seat. Right over there."
"But Chris, I'm already sitting. I'm on my futon watching TV."
"Oh, watching TV?" Chris would retort, "Is that what you claim to be doing? Aren't you a little old to be watching this commercial? Is that some lube and a rag you've got there? What are you thinking!?!"
At this point I would scream, "Entrapment!" running from my house only to be tackled by local law enforcement.

So in a way, for me, I felt this Target ad lacked the gleeful innocence some of the others flout, but then again, I am not the intended audience. When did college freshman become so young? So, in short, this particular Target commercial doesn't exactly uplift me the way the others did.

As you read this, your computer is being infected...

According to CNET news, Blogspot is the number one site for malware on the internet. Antivirus vendor Sophos claims it detects a webpage with malicious content every 5 seconds on this domain.

Finally, I don't need to scour the web for hours to pick up my daily dose of spyware, trojans, and other bits of malicious code. Before, I would have to travel from domain to domain, viewing questionable content that would sicken me, clicking links promising me that the nastiest farmyard porn ever or a working Photoshop CD-key was just around the corner, just so I could fill my computer up with stuff for SpyBot to remove (there's nothing I hate more than sitting through an entire SpyBot scan only to be informed "Congratulations! No immediate threats were found"... what a waste of time!). Now, all in one domain, I can acquire up to 60 pieces of malicious code in only 5 minutes. And best of all, Blogspot is owned by my favorite company, beloved Google. So in all my travels looking for trouble, I can support a company I believe in. Google has always said it wants to make all the world's information accessible to everyone. It never specified "only the desirable information." That's one of the things I love about Google; it doesn't discriminate. It doesn't matter if it's a Wikipedia entry, a bit of your own private personal private information, or a back-door root-kit; Google won't stop until everyone has access to it freely, quickly, and easily. Information wants to be free, after all. (Wait, what about "Do No Evil"?)

Keen readers may also notice that this actual blog itself is hosted on the domain in question. Let me tell you, the greatest thing about all this, according to CNET News, is that it's not only the bloggers that can shell out malware... that's right! The fun isn't limited to me! This is a participatory activity, everybody. The system on Blogspot that allows users to leave comments has exploits such that you too can use my blog as a malicious software relay to the entire world. Of course you might want to pick a blog that has a little more traffic than mine. Infecting my blog would be about as effective writing a virus for the Macintosh OS 9.

Blog in the Amazon

As texts scrolls up the Facebook newsfeed, people see their friends have become fans of things and they too click "Become a Fan" and thus fandom spreads virally. I am often surprised to see the things people become fans of and the number of fans these things have. A friend of mine noted that Facebook is improperly weighted to newer phenomena (I would suppose due to the age of the crowd). For instance, simply looking at Facebook "fan" numbers, one would think Coldplay is a dozen times more talented, influential, and historically important (with its 359,281 fans as of this writing) than Beethoven (with his mere 27,946 fans). But we must remember that this is merely a popularity contest with a skewed slice of the population as it's voting participants (75% of Facebook users are 18-35 years old). All this indicates is that a Facebook dwelling Netizen is 12 times more likely to like Coldplay (and want to brag about it) than Beethoven.

The other day I saw that one of my friends had become a fan of Amazon.com. I enjoy Amazon with it's excellent selection, fair pricing, and inexpensive, expedient shipping (as an Amazon Prime member I enjoy free 2-day shipping and $3.99 overnight shipping). (As far as online retailers go, my love for Amazon is only approached by my feelings for NewEgg.) Anyway, I immediately clicked "Become a Fan" to join said cult, though in afterthought I considered it a bit odd. With 3,384 fans, Amazon.com is 9 times less popular than Beethoven, but that's not the point. 3383 people mindlessly clicked on a link ("Sure, I like Amazon too..."), but who was that first person, to create a group on Facebook to worship the online merchant? Was it a zealous cyber-shopper? Or perhaps instead an Amazon employee? Bands promote themselves through MySpace, and pornstars shamelessly self-promote on the FB, so why wouldn't an Online Store pimp it self via Facebook? Perhaps I am just jealous that Amazon is thirty one and a third times more popular than I.

On the bright side, this Facebook fan situation finally proves something that has been hotly contested for a long time: John Lennon was right. The Beatles are more popular than Jesus.

So You Think You Can Dance

The traveling tour members are all picked out. For the first time this week each dancer performed a solo. Two new dance styles were presented for the first time on the show. The judges opinion no longer matters; audience voting is all that really does. It's just like after the Presidential Primary. The remaining competitors really have a chance and your votes really count.

The biggest surprise this week was that Jessica is injured and has been instructed not to dance for several weeks. She remains in the group of touring dancers, but will not be competing on the show anymore. Because of this Comfort rejoins the competition. Since all the couples were split up, Twitch was liberated from Kherrington, and subsequently Twitch and Comfort were paired, resulting in a hip hop routine that brought the house down.

What more can I say about this show after myself and others? After episodes and episodes, I have come to believe that the most prominent part of the show is, and this is not lost on the judges who mention it constantly, the excellent choreography it showcases. Sure this show exposes a good dancer now and again, but more profoundly, it repeatedly moves us with the beauty of it's choreographed numbers. It is doing for choreography what MTV did for music in the 80s-90s. And this is not the snooty choreography you would see on stage at a dance performance, nor the contrived choreography that you would see in a Hollywood movie, but rather Pop Choreography. Choreography anyone can appreciate. Everyman's choreography. If you don't watch this show, you owe it to yourself to check it out for this reason alone. You may think you know every way that the human body can move and have seen it all before, but you'd be wrong.

Searching for the new Christian in Project Runway 5

Project Runway returns for Season 5 with a redux of it's supermarket challenge and ends up with mostly table cloth wrapped models strutting the catwalk. It was one of those rare instances on the show where so many offerings were terrible that it was difficult to guess who would be eliminated (similar to last season's create-men's-clothing challenge). One excellent exception to this was a brilliant (but somewhat ill-fitted) cocktail dress made entirely of those plastic cups that you see frat boys playing beer pong with. On the other end of the spectrum, Jerry's hideous hooded shower curtain ensemble made his model appear a Klan Jawa princess from the future (of some low budget Sci-Fi), proving that even with this many poor offerings, somebody has to be the "worst". Ouch.

But who cares about the outfits. The question on everybody's mind is surely "have the Bravo executive producers found this season's Christian replacement?" Christian's combination of confidence, on-screen charisma, fierce asymmetrical haircut, and spouting of trendy provocative phrases kept viewers tuning back for more, earned him an appearance on Ugly Better, and led to Amy Poehler honoring him with a parody sketch on Saturday Night Live. After viewing this one episode, I can't rule the possibility either way on whether any of this season's designers will steal the spotlight in a similar way. Although, seeing Austin Scarlett as a guest judge reminded me how much I like him. He is like a non-creepy version of the Shear Genius judge Kim VO, but I digress.

There is at least one person who bears a slight surface resemblance to Christian, but is not male. Leanne Marshall (Portland, OR resident and founder of the Leanimal clothing line) wears similar hipster style glasses... the type that I fall for every time. It is too early to judge these designers for their work or their on screen personalities, but Bravo proves once again that more-of-the-same is sometimes just-what-the-doctor-ordered.

Master of Orion

Perhaps I was a bit harsh on NASA for troubles in their Orion Project. Any undertaking of that complexity is sure to meet with some stumbles. To make it up to NASA. Let me say something positive, if superficial, about the ship. It looks great. It is a perfect blend of the nostalgic feel of the old Apollo modules, and something futuristic like Earth Force One from Babylon 5.

Bang, zoom, straight to the moon!

It's been over 35 years since a person landed on the Moon. The Apollo project made half a dozen manned moon landings back before I was even a fetus. Here we are in the year 2008 and not only do I have to deal with the fact that there are no flying cars, no cures for cancer or AIDS, and no robotic servants (except my beloved, but single-purposed Roomba), but also now the news is telling me that NASA's project to land a man on the Moon again by 2013 is running behind. NASA says it may take until 2015, and other analysts say it won't happen until at least 2020.

In 2004 President Bush declared we would return to the Moon and even establish a permanent base there. Four years later, we have no progress and NASA's saying it won't happen for at least another 7 years maybe if even then. Compare this to Kennedy saying in 1961 that we would land on the moon, and by 1969 we did. All I can say is: Bush, you're no Jack Kennedy. How come over 40 years ago we could accomplish in 8 years that which today we cannot accomplish in 11? With all the advances in technology it seems like we know less about space travel technology than we did then. Bring some scientists from the past to today and they could land someone on the moon immediately using knowledge they already posses and using technology that would look like an abacus next to a Playstation 3.

Some would say that the answer is that we have never landed on the Moon. I would say that those people a loony. Others would say it was because there was a space race back then and now there is no pressure. To them, I would answer that other nations have similar plans to land on the moon and create permanent moon bases just like the US and these include nations such as China, India, and Russia, the latter of which plans to have cosmonauts on the Moon by 2025 and establish a permanent manned base there in 2027-2032. If we fall any further behind, the Commies will win Space Race 2! *gasp*

So what exactly are the setbacks in NASA's lunar plans? Well, first off there are technical glitches such as an excessively shaky launch and a difficult to open hatch door which remind some of the Apollo 1 launch pad fire. Second, a single motor went over budget by $80 million. And third, the plan includes launching without enough water for the astronauts. So, let me get this straight, they will be launching late, over budget, with dehydrated astronauts, who if they don't burn to death on the launch pad won't even be able to get out the door if they ever do land on the Moon. We have come a long way in these last 4 decades, have we not?

At least Google is coming to save the day. If anyone can sort this out the big G can. They are offering the Google Lunar X Prize: $20 million to the first privately funded team to successfully land a robot on the Moon. Too bad that's only a robot. And too bad that it would probably cost someone more than $20 million to enact that plan. But I'm sure it won't be long before we see Google AdWords when we look up at the Moon.

Magician Pulls Groundhog out of hat

Punxsutawney Phil says, "Winter will end soon."

I say, "Winter has begun?"

The Earth says, "Winter has been canceled until further notice."

Bill Murray says, "I have a strange feeling of Deja Vu."

Lost in Space

Lost has always been praised for its use of flashbacks to develop its characters and wow its audiences. But now it has reached a pivot point where they are all flash-forwards. This has created an interesting lack of suspense on certain plot points. For instance, we know some characters get off the island. Additionally, we know these characters live, so when they are in life threatening situations, there is no suspense about them getting killed. Let's remember that suspense isn't everything. American Beauty carries a wonderful narrative despite that fact that you know Kevin Spacey dies from the very beginning. Despite the audience knowing that soon they will no longer be Lost, the show still works. Perhaps the biggest reason why it continues to intrigue is that the arch plot is more on track than ever. The show seems to be building (albeit slowly) towards one final gigantic conclusion that will rock everyone's world. Of course, this conclusion is apparently that they make it off the island, but then want to get back on... a la Rescue from Gilligan's Island.

Meta-Reality Shows

Perhaps it was just a natural course of events. Perhaps the Writer's Guild Strike helped it along. Perhaps it is the tipping point. But, Donald Trump has introduced Celebrity Apprentice, where "successful" celebrities compete to see who is the best in his eyes.

On the surface, it seems like a reasonable idea. Celebrities are businessmen after all and are in the business of making lots of money. Donald Trump himself has gained celebrity status simply by making lots of money. But the last time I checked, any true "celebrity" wouldn't be caught dead on a reality show, because they have an actual career going on. Reality shows are for washed up celebrities. Examples abound, but off the top of my head, see: Dancing with the "Stars", Gene Simmons' Family Jewels, or My Fair Brady.

I think what we are seeing here is the beginning of the rise of the meta-reality show. Not that we are close to running out of ideas for new reality show concepts, but still, what a great business decision in and of itself, to decide to make a reality show that gathers "celebrities" from other reality shows and makes them compete against each other. This new Apprentice includes, amongst others, Gene Simmons, who has his own reality show ...Family Jewels, and also Piers Morgan, an America's Got Talent judge. This is the next step in the evolution of reality television. Where people who are at this point in time only "famous" for being on some reality show, and now competing to see who is the most "famous" on some other reality show. It's like a best of the worst competition.

Now all we need is a meta-meta-reality show, where the same contestants are judged on how well they performed on the reality show where they were judged on how well they did in their previous reality show. Kind of a cross between Monday morning quarterbacking and an Apprentice reunion episode, I guess.

Reality truly is stranger than fiction.

P.S. It is worth noting, that this idea follows a British spoof of Apprentice. So not only does life imitate art, but also seriousness imitates humor. So really, this isn't an innovative American concept, but rather a lot like how America ripped off "The Office" to create it's own version. I bet the Brits are thinking, "Those Yanks don't get it. It was supposed to be funny." ... in both cases.

God Bless!

Someone sneezes. Do you say, "Bless you" or "gesundheit"? This is not merely a matter of English vs German. It's actually a religious vs. secular debate. "Bless You" is short for "God Bless You", based on the "theory" that sneezes are caused by a devil inhabiting the body. Although modern scientists have no better theory about the cause of sneezes (or yawns for that matter), I'm fairly certain that devils have better things to do than make humans say "achoo" involuntarily. Meanwhile, "gesundheit" is German for "health", wishing health to a person who may be coming down with a cold, hence the sneezing. This seems like a much more reasonable thing to say when someone sneezes.
Sneezing is the the only bodily function after which the guilty party does not have to excuse himself, but instead the social burden falls upon someone else to say something. But does anyone really think of what they are saying? I do. And I prefer to say "gesundheit", because it leaves God out of the equation.

Harvest

Before it was canceled, Fall, or Autumn, used to be called simply "harvest" back when food used to be harvested from the earth. In these enlightened times, everyone knows that food comes from supermarkets wrapped in plastic year-round. Harvest just wouldn't make sense anymore unless it referred to something else we consume wrapped in plastic...

Television rebounds this Fall with a new round of new material. Unlike last season, in which many shows had me excited, and even one of them is still on the air (yay 30 Rock!), this season overall makes me yawn. Pushing Daisies is not only easily the best new network offering, but also stands as one of the few worth mentioning at all. But I'll take it! It's exactly as if Tim Burton made a TV show, which is what we were all hoping far all along, right? Everything about it is charming, almost too much so. And the fact that the two main characters are in love but can never touch adds that perfect bittersweet cherry on top. In addition to all this, it taps into my favoritism of shows dealing with death (for instance, Six Feet Under, and Dead Like Me) It's brilliant. I hope I'm yaying it's return next season.

As for original new cable shows, I cannot deny how excellent Californication is. I was skeptical at first, but it consistantly intrigues me with the subject matters with which it deals. Plus it reminds me of an excellent old HBO show called Dream On (finally available on DVD after all these years). Marten from Dream On pined for his old ex who was now with a more successful man, similar to Hank from Californication. Martin was a book editor, and Hank is a book writer. Both are able to have many sexual encounters with women and even a few relationships (defined as: a women who appears in more than one episode). The only real difference between the two is that Marten was a straight edge guy who lived in New York, and Hank is a alcholic drug user who lives in LA. I failed to get this post up before the first season of this series ended, but luckily, it has already been renewed for a second season (yay!).

Notable returning shows include:

America's Next Top Model, whose most recent season has been watchable. I see Heather in at least the top three if not walking away with the whole thing. Apparently, America agrees with me, because viewers have voted her Cover Girl of the Week 6 out of 7 times so far. Her natural beauty is only enhanced by her social awkwardness.
But the most exciting news for me personally is that I know one of the girls on the show (who was eliminated last week, boo). She was even a housemate for a while. It is new sensation for me to see someone I know on television. It is the opposite sensation as when I went to the So You Think You Can Dance show this past weekend, that is to say I was seeing people I knew from TV in real life.

The Sarah Silverman Program. Absofuckinglutely brilliant. Warning, if you are easily offended you probably should steer clear of this one. Did I mention that for Californication above? Well I probably should have.

Weeds, where we finally get to see an Olsen act. (pause) Act like a pothead virgin-slut. It's really the only reason I'm still watching. This series has become way too dark and depressing for me.

And don't forget to get out of the supermarket, go outside... find a farmers market and go grab a small carrot that has dirt all over it and just take a bite out of it. Remind youself that life comes from the ground, not the shelf.

Isolation Tank

I got myself a new pair of headphones. I have long been suffering with lousy earbuds that were inadequate for my bus ride to work. The bus engine noise is so loud that I could not listen to quiet things (such as the movie scores I like). Even when listening to loud music, I had to listen too loud in order to block out the noise. This was exacerbated by the fact that my hearing is not as great as it once was because of too many concerts and loud headphone usage in the first place when I was young. Despite my bus ride being only 10 minutes, the situation was far from ideal, so I decided to do something about it.

I chose audio-technica's QuietPoint ATH-ANC7's, because they got good reviews on Amazon and Wired magazine said they are better than the Bose at less than half the price. I am pleased with my purchase. They silence my surroundings significantly, while at the same time vastly improving the quality of my music. Even crappy low bit mp3s of dubious origin sound much better through these cans. I've been going through my music library re-listening to old favorites and hearing lyrics and melodic parts I have never heard before. They are that good. And I can hear everything even at very low volumes, including the bass bits. They are also great for wearing without music simply to exist in peaceful silence. I really cannot say enough good things about them. And as for negative things? They are just weird. For one, the headphones only block noises coming from without, and as a result, simple things, such as chewing, swishing listerene, or even walking easily become a amplimtudinous cacophony. Even chewing a tator tot sounds like stomping through a foot of snow in boots. Walking creates a resonating THUMP THUMP that makes me feel like attack of the 50 foot man.

Then there is the fact that by depriving one sense, your body notices the others more strongly. For instance, I was on the busride home enjoying my music, and the guy sitting next to me stunk like B.O. And I was thinking, ooo, these headphones don't block that out. I need more isolation. Perhaps I could carry around my own air. I mean why not, people carried around bottled water, why not bottled air?

But even if I did that, some dude with ugly feet who decided to wear sandals today will almost assuredly come sit across from me. Ugh, I don't want to look at that shit. So I'm going to need some Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses.

Wait, now that I think of it, it's kinda hot in here. Maybe I just need one of those air-conditioned suits that astronauts wear. Yeah, that's the ticket. Complete climate control. Then I can listen to my music in complete peace (and probably miss my stop).

You cannot see anything, hear anything, taste anything, feel anything...

American Band(stand)

This week marks the end of So You Think You Can Dance. Three episodes aired this week, but they were the last three. Everyone who reads this space knows that I have been a big fan of Lacey and:
The good news is that So You Think You Can Dance has been renewed for another season. Furthermore, it has gone on a traveling tour with the top ten finalists, which I plan to see in Greensboro, NC. The other good news is, as predicted by me, The Search for the next great American Band, has had its title shortened. They have chosen "American Band" which reminds me both at once of "American Idol" and "American Bandstand".
The bad news is that Lacey lost. The only consolation is that a woman won for the first time ever (Sabra, pictured), so I can't be bitter and say that since the viewers of this show are mostly women, as mentioned in a previous post, they simply vote for the cutest guy (not too dissimilar from the US Presidential Election).
In any event, in even better news, right about now marks a point at which the summer season is wrapping up. Meaning that we will soon be at the end of many summer filler shows and are soon to return to non-summer, mostly non-reality shows. Soon, I will be able to comment on Fall previews and the quality of the writing therein. Hopefully, it will not leave us reminiscing for reality shows of old.

The Real Reality Show

Everyone complains that reality shows aren't "real". They are scripted, or at least edited or controlled in some fashion that makes them "fake". And reality competitions even less so. They are like being on a game show, which is about as unreal as imaginable. If I am in the supermarket and I guess the price of something, I don't win a damned thing. And worst of all there is no big wheel I can spin that if it lands on a dollar I win money. It's all a fantasy.

But usually, the object of the show IS real. Contestants compete by singing, sewing clothes, cooking food, dancing, or other various things that everyone would agree are not fantasy. There is no "Who Wants to be the Next Tooth Fairy" or "...Easter Bunny." But Stan Lee did create a show about people competing to become a superhero. Last season when I started watching the SciFi original series, Who Wants to Be a Superhero?, I thought two things: who doesn't want to be a superhero? and WTF? No one can actually be a superhero, superpowers don't exist. But after watching the entire season I realized that this show is incredible. What really impressed me right from the start is that this show has heart. The kindness, compassion, and good-nature of the contestants was a breath of fresh air, especially having come right off of harsh competitions such as Project Runway. Other reality shows have the contestants fighting tooth and nail to be the best at one thing. To win they will do anything, including make their rivals look worse at that one thing. This works fine if you are competing over a normal thing. But to be a superhero, you don't just have to be the best at something. You have to be good. Good with a capital "G". You have to be a good person. Otherwise, you are a villain. This changes everything.

On Project Runway once, a woman appeared to befriend other contestants, but really was pretending just to get ahead in the competition. It was caught on camera, and everyone was aware of it, but the judges turned a blind eye because they are only judging the quality of the clothes she tailored.
On Next Top Model all the girls are happy when a particularly pretty girl leaves because she was competition to them, or cheerful when someone they didn't get along with is eliminated because they all have to live under the same roof.
On Superhero, people cry when other contestants leave. In season one, one contestant attempted to insist that she leave instead of someone else because she felt the other person deserved to win. She locked herself in the bathroom and refused to come out until she could speak with an executive producer to beg to leave instead of the other contestant. This is highly unusual behavior. This is like giving the correct response on Jeopardy but then protesting "No, Alex, I want another contestant to have the money instead because they are more worthy than me."

Superhero, which at first seems like a joke, is truly the only reality show on TV that has any heart. The contestants are competing against one another, but moreover are constantly fighting to always do the right thing. To be a better person. The rise above average humanity. Being a superhero isn't about flying or bullets bouncing off of you. It's about returning a lost child to her parents. It's about being a team player. It's about not being deceptive.
On season 1, Stan eliminated one contestant because she admitted that she was only on the show because she thought it would help her ailing acting career (her admission was caught on hidden camera, but octogenarian Stan sees all and nixed her because of it, unlike the Project Runway example above).
This show forces it's contestant to really answer the questions "Do you have what it takes to be a superhero?" and "Why do you want to be a superhero?" I have practically watched ever cycle of Next Top Model, and they have asked every contestant those same two questions, "Do you have what it takes to be America's Next Top Model" and "Why do you want to be a model?" and I have yet to hear any of the girls give a decent answer. Really, all that matters is if they photo well, if they have a runway walk, and if they have a marketable look. There is nothing to say that the best model in the world could be truly evil. Being a model is isn't being a role-model, but being a hero is. Being a superhero has morals tied to it. You can be super, but you are either a superhero or a supervillain depending on your moral alignment.

While they may wear silly costumes, this show is serious. You owe it to yourself to check it out. Whether or not you like comic books. Whether or not you like reality shows.

GRSSK

Remember how I said I liked to watch Age of Love not because it was good (which it wasn't), but rather because I was about to turn thirty and was interested in the shows premise of exploring the ins and outs of dating older women versus younger women? Well, I didn't learn much.
Another show that isn't good and you can't learn much from is GRΣΣK , which I like to watch it because I miss being in college. Not that my college even had fraternities, but still. They say that people who think High School was the best time in their life are in for a lifetime of disappointment thereafter. But what about people like me who thought college was the best. Do we not share a similar fate? (In fact, if anything were indeed the best, wouldn't everything that follows be at least a bit of a disappointment?) I don't feel I will ever again be in such a situation where so many people in my age group, sharing similar interests, are all easily accessible in walking distance. Learning amazing things was a daily experience, and so was fun. Now I just go to work, pay bills, and do chores. Bummer.

Anyway, back to this fictional show, which is was too middle-class-mainstream to actually be decent, but is still fun to watch to a certain extent. It explores the world of three fictional Greek houses (two frats and one sorority) told mostly from the point of view of two siblings. Popular sorority girl "Casey" (played by Kelsey's daughter, Spencer Grammer) wants her power and influence unaffected by the presence of her loser geeky brother "Rusty" who wants to join a frat, have fun, leave behind his geeky past, and at the same time major in Physics. Good luck Rusty (if that doesn't work out for you, I'm sure they'll save you a role in Revenge of the Nerds 5).

The good news is that the show was recently renewed for another 10 episodes giving us a full first season to find out what happens to Rusty and his handsome sister. Well, at least she is handsomer to me than her father, Fraiser, is.

The bad news is that the shows title has a spelling error of sorts. Not to be a stickler, but ABC Family has used the capital letter Sigma for the e's, thus spelling "GRSSK." I didn't expect historical accuracy (e.g. the authentic garb produced by the costume department on HBO's "Rome"), but I also didn't expect errors like this, intentional or not. This show doesn't even contain many historical facts, it is about the present day, not ancient Greece (Grssce?), so what would there be to get wrong (they at least got the date of the Vesuvius eruption correct in this weeks episode). Let's explore what could have been done:

GRΣΣK: as it is currently. admittedly, it looks kinda cool, but doesn't make any sense.

GRςςK: this is with a lower-cased SIGMA, and exacerbates how silly using this letter really is

GRΕΕK: This is a with a capitol Epsilon, although no one would know it, since it looks precisely like our "E"

GRεεK: this is the way they should have done it, with the lower cased Epsilon, but the rest of the work should probably be in lower cased too (except the G) making a: "Grεεk"

Anyway, I don't really care about this stuff. I do have a bachelors degree in Linguistics and took 4 years of Latin, but only losers like Rusty would even bother to point this out (okay, I blogged about it, but it's not like I wrote a letter to ABC Family, and oh I bet there are people who have!). They can call their show whatever they want. This is ABC Family, not PBS. I'm not going to make them hold a burning match until they can say the entire Greek alphabet properly or get burnt trying. Maybe I'm just bitter because I miss those red cups from the logo as a sign of better times. *Sigh*

Ah, bittersweet NΦSTΛLGIΛ.

Half Your Age Plus Seven?

Age of Love finished this past week, and it answered the question "Does Age Really Matter?" with the answer everyone expected: a resounding "Yes!" Of the two remaining women, the winner Amanda was one year shy of twice as young as her rival.
So, if age does really matter, in what way does it matter?
According to wikipedia, there is a simple mathematical formula that determines what is socially acceptable: half your age plus seven. Using Age of Love as an example, Mark is 30 and Amanda is 25, so Mark is in the clear, because 30/2=15 and 15+7=22.
From the beginning I have thought that younger women on this show had the simple advantage that young people will eventually be old, but not vice versa. In other words, if Mark stays with Amanda long enough, he will have a 25 year old (now) and then a 40 year old (in 15 years).

My Cat Pissed Me Off

My feline house mate is know to occasionally piss where she's not supposed to. Mostly she likes to piss on bunched up cloth, like laundry lying about, although she has been known to piss on a couch as well, in the past. Once she hopped on my lap and just started pissing, but that was long time ago and things have gotten better since she was spayed. She's mellowed out (having your womanhood removed must certainly change things), I have two litter boxes (did you know they recommend having one more litter box than you have cats?), and she's trained me not to leave laundry lying around, which is a good thing anyway (domestication is a two way street after all).
For some reason, despite her propensity to urinate on soft clothy things, I always had a suspicion that she would piss in the drier if she had the chance, and made a point to close the door immediately. My suspicions were were right. This past weekend, I inadvertently left the door open while I was hanging up my shirts in the the other room. Wednesday morning, I was about to dry a load when I found a puddle of pee in the bottom of my drier.
Wow. This turned out to be the beginning of a string of events which could be called a "bad day". The pee is still there and I am questioning what I should do about it before I run out of clothes to wear. I was thinking of siphoning it out, but I don't want to suck on a tube that has cat piss on the other end.
I can't help but even think of the logistics of a cat pissing in a clothes drier. Standing with her feet up on the sides of the circle and pissing. And then trying to get out without stepping in it? That's gotta take dedication. And she knows it's wrong. I know she knows. She has to be acting out.
While we're on the cat waste management and potty-topic, when I am scooping the cat poop into the toilet, I lift the seat and under the seat it says "Olsonite" and I can't help but think of the Olsen twins. Does Mary Kate puke into an Olsonite toilet?

Big (Age of) Love

Darn. Meagan eliminated herself from Age of Love because she is afraid of airplanes. I guess I can't really blame her. I fear flying myself. Oh well, at least Amanda is left. One 25 year old and one 48 year old. I think we all know who is going to win.

But Age of Love isn't the only show where women of different ages vie for the attention of one man. Big Love is another show where I have grown especially fond of the younger woman over the others. Let me start by saying that I didn't like this show at first. I have been watching every episode for almost two seasons now even though I wasn't quite getting it. But recently the show has had some good moments, so I'm glad I stuck with it. When Bill removed his ring to flirt with a potential 4th wife, that was when it started getting better. And now that he has requested every 7th night off from all of his wives for "me-time", my interest continues to peak. This show has finally started to address the issues that it should. What is monogamy? What is polygamy? What is the difference between having multiple wives and committing adultery? How can multiple wives be okay, while sex out of wedlock remains immoral? Polygamy disgusts many people, and those people most likely will never watch this show and see it discuss the issues that make them uncomfortable. I am an open minded guy, and I think consenting adults should do whatever they want, but I wouldn't want polygamy for myself... heck one woman can be too much for me to handle at imes. But I think I finally get this show.

In cognitive psychology one can learn the most about a "normally" functioning brain by studying the extremes. For instance, in Linguistics, one can learn the most about how the brain processes language by studying cases in which that process works abnormally. For instance, studying aphasia or children in the process of learning the language can reveal things that studying average speakers cannot. In Big Love, we can learn the most about monogamy, or even being single, from studying polygamy. I'm not saying polygamy is like a disease, like a speech impediment. It 's just that it makes us question what is most fundamental. Like how good sci-fi isn't really about aliens or technology, but instead is about examining the human spirit.

But getting back to my point, Margie is my favorite of Bill's wives. She's so cute and adorable. And besides, the other two are bitchy and old. I better stop right now before Bill kicks my ass.

Babylon 6

Almost as if to celebrate my birthday, JMS has released "The Lost Tales" a direct-to-video continuation of the TV series Babylon 5.

Babylon 5 is my favorite sci-fi series of all time. It starts off a little slow, and has some bumpy patches, but it delivers arc-plot in spades. All 110 episodes tell one epic space-opera story of massive scale and detail. Each season unfolds beautifully like a flower, slowly releasing details of JMS's master design. This amazing achievement was made possible by the fact that JMS wrote 91 of the 110 episodes, including a staggering 60 episodes in a row (a record for TV drama). The series plays out as a novel, with a distinct beginning, middle, and end. And each season finale is a breathtaking event full of surprises, reveals, and moments that make you go "wow". The show's strength is also its weakness: it only really leaves an impression if you watch it all.

And this brings us to perhaps a problem with its continuation. Will more B5 be a good thing? The original series was conceived and executed in its entirety. Everything that comes out now is not part of that (not cannon?). And as B5 becomes episodic, does it not lose its charm? Originally JMS had an all encompassing vision. Now he's just coming up with some more ideas (perhaps stinky ideas like "Jeremiah").

There are of course unanswered questions from the "end" of the original series, that us fans hope will be answered. And JMS claims he has more awesome ideas. But on the other hand we lost two actors from the original series, one arguably the strongest actor from the show (Andreas Katsulas). Yet I am still excited about this anyway. If anyone out there decides to check it out, be sure to watch the entire original series first. And be patient, it takes time to grab a hold of you, but ultimately, it's all worth it. And is an experience you will never forget.

A Mule Foals

A mule gave birth in Colorado. Just like in Jurassic Park, Nature always finds a way. Perhaps this particular mule had frog DNA spliced in.
As we were all taught in high school biology, a mule technically isn't a species, precisely because it cannot sire offspring. But I appears that a mule can reproduce, but only really really rarely. Does this mean that we have discovered a new species? If so, this new species has automatically becomes an endangered species. It can not survive without human intervention. We must breed horses with donkeys or else mules will go extinct. Before when we thought they couldn't breed at all, things were different. Mules were a freak. A chimera. But if mules can breed, even rarely, that means they are a species, and therefore should be protected under the Endangered Species Act.

Another Two Bite the Dust

In these past two weeks, two reality shows which I have been writing about for a while have come their natural seasonal ends (guess I will have to find something else to write about). Both American Inventor and Next Best Thing had their final audience votes and picked their winners.

I often find the end of a reality season to be anti-climatic. I don't know if it's because the seasons run a little too long and I get sick of them by the end, or because often the people who I want to win are eliminated long before the end, or if simply I don't like the final result.

I have been disappointed with scripted shows' endings too, and perhaps that is even more disappointing. Those types of shows are run by "professionals" whereas reality shows are, at the end, run by an angry mob similar to the one who went after Frankenstein's monster.

Let's face it: endings are difficult. Writers fear them. And audiences are very critical of them. I, for one, know that a bad ending can ruin an otherwise decent story for me. And a great ending can elevate an otherwise lackluster story, at least a little bit. And when I say story I mean movie/book/TV series.

And at this point I'm having a problem finding an ending for this entry. So I'll just end it here. How anti-climatic.

Deconstructing 21st Century Reality Competitions Part 4: The Future of Reality Competition Shows

What does the future hold? Well if the Hollywood can't negotiate successfully with the Writer's and Actor's Guilds, it could mean a whole lot more Reality TV than we are even seeing now. Will people get tired of Reality TV? Is it a fad? Or is it a genre that will stay with us for a long time, like sitcom? The network execs are trying to make sure it sticks around as long as possible by offering lots of different variety in the choosings. Looking at some upcoming reality shows, will this diversification be enough to extend staying power?

Variation on a theme:
Most reality shows are compared to other reality shows. So You Think You Can Dance is like American Idol, but with dancing instead of singing. Shear Genius is like Project Runway but with designing hair instead of clothing. A Cosmopolitan is like a Margarita, except with Vodka in place of Tequila, and Cranberry Juice in place of Lime Juice. Erm, never mind that last one.
This substitution trend continues with The Search for the Next Great American Band. airing Fridays this Fall on Fox at 8pm EST. What American Idol did for individuals, The Search for the Next Great American Band is going to do for musical groups. At eleven syllables, this is certainly one of the longest titled reality shows around. I wouldn't be surprised if they renamed it to something shorter by the time it airs, if for no other reason than to be able to fit in an extra commercial. Will this new show be a hit show in a time when the charts are ruled by mostly solo acts? (7 of the top 10 songs currently on the Billboard Hot 100 list are solo artists) I've always liked bands, and I think the show could be interesting to watch if two things are true:

• they let the bands write their own music
• they mean real bands with like instruments and shit (like Aerosmith), not boy bands, like N'Sync
  

Narrowing the focus:
Another way to expand Reality TV offerings is to take an existing show and make it more specific. That's the aim of Fore Inventors Only, Golf Channel's new reality show. This show is like American Inventor, but all of the inventions have to be golf inventions. For instance Vincent Brookins and David Cotton spent $70,000 to develop the Clean and Drop, which is a three and one device that cleans and dries golf clubs and balls. Yeah, I use a towel to do that. Hm. Wait a minute, the Clean and Drop looks like a towel to me. Hey! It is a towel! (I know Doulgas Adams taught us all the importance of a towel, but 70 grand seems a little steep. I paid a lot less for my towel. This one must have a really high thread count or something. No wait, it just has a sponge sown into it. Sigh.) So I've got a golf invention. It's a bag. Just a bag. You carry your clubs in it. I've sown a sponge onto it. I call it the Clean and Carry and it's $85,000.

Lowering the bar:
Why offer the contestants big cash prizes and lucrative contracted positions when they are perfectly willing to fight over Flavor Flav. I mean seriously, what the fuck? That guy looks like a smashed thumb. Here are three pictures. Two are busted thumbs wearing Viking hats and only one is the actual Flavor Flav. See if you can pick which one (answer at the end of the article):But, the point is, if contestants are willing to fight over something that is worthless, then that's one less bit of money you have to spend to produce your show. It used to be that if you were doing a scripted show, you had to pay writers, actors, etc. And if you were doing a game show you at least had to have some prize money or something. Now, the editors do the job of the writers, contestants do the job of the actors, and the "prize" is a thumb that was driven over by a truck. Eventually they will find a way to make TV shows for free. How about So You Think You Can Make a Reality Show?, where the contestants compete to film, edit, and produce the show itself. You wouldn't have to hire or pay anyone. And the prize could be you get to watch the show when it's finished.

(That reminds me of when you go to the grocery store and there are those self service lines where you can scan your own groceries. They want me to do their job for them? Oh sure, while I'm there how about I stock some shelves, put some price tags on things, and round up all the shopping carts in the parking lot too. Then they could lay off their whole staff. Hell, why don't I just grow my own food.)

Oh, by the way it was a trick question, there was no Flavor Flav. That was actually just a picture of three busted thumbs.

How Many Deathly Hallows Can You Fit on a Bus?

I had a good bus ride to work this morning. The bus ride is a strange social situation similar to riding an elevator. Strangers are forced to be in closer proximity than they would otherwise desire and there are rules governing behavior in such situations (be quiet, avoid eye contact). At first I thought everyone on the bus looked dower because they were on a bus ("I wish I had a car") or maybe because they are commuting to work ("I hate my job") or maybe because they are commuting home ("I hate my kids"), but now I just think everyone has to zone out into their own space and because of this end up appearing sad. If anyone were a smiling fool on the bus, they would look insane. I'm new to this whole bus thing, and the first couple times I said "Good morning", "Hello", or "Thanks" while boarding or alighting the bus, but he was either silent or nearly growled at me, so now I just shut up.
I judge the quality of my bus ride based on one sole criterion. How many people are reading the new Harry Potter book during the commute. The less the better. This morning there were none for the first time. Therefore, it was a decent commute.
Video games can be rated based on the shortest amount of time it takes a player to reach the first crate. Days can be rated on the shortest amount of time until I see someone carrying a Harry Potter book.
I can't believe how many people I see lugging this heavy tome around. It's got to be heavier than a laptop. The bus ride is like 10 minutes, so I can't imagine they really need to bring such a large book on such a short trip. They can probably only barely get through a dozen adverbs in that time. They could read it at home, or if they have a job where they can just read all day (lucky bastards) then they could leave it in their bag during the bus ride. These people must simply be showing off. "Oh, look at me, I'm reading the new Harry Potter. I stood in line to get it last Friday, and here I am reading it. Aren't I special?" So why were their none this morning? Perhaps they finished it in a week already (reading an average of 130 pages per day). Perhaps they are tired of carrying around something so heavy. Perhaps the new Harry Potter book has become unfashionable already. "Oh, that old thing. That is so 144 hours ago." I certainly hope so, because I never got into Harry Potter, the movies or the books, and perhaps I never will. I'm glad it's over. Kinda like the Star Wars movies. Now we can all collectively move on to liking good stuff again.

Come for the Cat, Stay for the Dancers

We have reached the point on his show where our votes our final. The judges are vestigial. They can make their comments, but our vote alone determines who is eliminated and who is not.
Tonight also marks the point when the viewers will be voting for individual dancers, not couples. This is significant since the judges, when voting off dancers who were strong in couples dancing but weak in individual, claim this is an individual competition. I think individual evaluation is great for two reasons: 1) I have always liked the single routine better than the couple routines (despite my Fred Astaire heritage) and 2) i think it's unfair to vote on a couple when one or the other of that couple could be weaker.
Another change tonight: the individual routines were all the same routine (choreographed by emmy nominee wade robson). This is something I have complained about previously, dancers being judged against each other but with different choreography. This however had the expected drawback, which is: as a viewer you have to watch the same song and choreography over and over in one episode.
I don't know if it's because of her sexy gum pull last week, or the fact that her name rhymes with mine, or if she's the best dancer, or if I just find her the most attractive of the contestants, but I'm pulling for Lacey at this point. As for the guys: my pick was Hok, but he was eliminated las week. Sadness.
Has anyone else noticed that Cat Deeley cannot say the word "judges". She instead says "jidgis". I think she is aware of this because each week she asks the audience to say the word for her, "please welcome your..." and the audience says "judges".
The final duet of the evening started off like many a Kal Penn movie box cover, with the ole camera shot through the legs.

Deconstructing 21st Century Reality Competitions Part 3: The Hosts

What do hosts they do? Why do we need them? And what makes a good host?
At first it seems that the host is useless. The host doesn't perform, doesn't judge, doesn't do anything but hold a mic and read off a teleprompter. But the host plays a very important role. The host is nice to the contestants whether they suck or not. Basically he is the opposite of a judge (except Paula). He doesn't judge, he is a go between. Between the contestants and the judges. Between the contestants and the audience. Basically these shows need a true host, not just a nameless faceless voice, that is to say, an announcer. Some of these shows have an announcer too, but usually their role is limited to announcing the hosts arrival on the stage and making the host feel better by being even less useful (and less paid).
Hosts run the gamut from unmemorable to annoying to a complete tool to just another pretty face. What makes a good host, and what makes a bad host? Let's run down our sample shows to see what qualities their hosts do or do not have and see what we can learn.

American Inventor
Nick Smith is wholly unmemorable. I have seen many episodes of this show, and yet I can't remember Nick Smith at all. I mean, literally, I don't have any recollection of seeing him. If there weren't a picture of him on the website, I wouldn't even believe this show had a host. I would have thought he was an announcer. Maybe they figured since they already have a hot babe on the judging panel who became a millionaire by making naughty undergarments, that they didn't need any more sex appeal, so they just got a boring host.

Next Best Thing
The lovely Michele Merkin. Her presentation style has been criticized as being a little flat and unengaging, but she is a pretty face and the contestants seem to like her. She even seems to like the contestants. She seems to have a thing for Elvis impersonators. And she does have some hosting experience... and a funny last name.
Previous gigs / Hosting Experience: Foody Call, Extreme Dodgeball

America's Next Top Model
Tyra Banks breaks etiquette here by being both host and judge. This often puts her in a Janus like position, having to be alternately supportive and critical of the contestants. In truth, this may be the best example of why a show needs an entity that is separate and distinct from the judges.
Previous gigs: model, talk-show host
Hosting Experience: The Tyra Banks Show

American Idol
Ryan Seacrest seriously looks stoned all the time on this show. I didn't notice this till I started watching the show in hi-def, so you fellow HD set owners out there might be able to back me up on this, but damn dude, with all the money they must be paying him, he couldn't wait to puff until after the show? Maybe he's one of those types who likes to get stoned and do stuff. You know, like "Hey, I have to do a live TV show in like 15 minutes... in fact, the highest rated TV show in America... let's get stoned! Huh, huh. Yeah." Or maybe he really really hates doing Idol, the judges seem like they can't stand being there. They all look like they're about to kill each other, but just can't say no to the money. Or maybe he just always looks like that, but whatever it is, in my opinion, while some people are phoning it in, Ryan is stoning it in.
Former gigs: American radio, television personality, and anchorman
Hosting experience: radio host for Atlanta's WSTR, host of ESPN's "Radical Outdoor Challenge", during his early twenties, Seacrest hosted a few short-lived game shows, and he hosted the fictional gameshow "Lover's Lane" in an episode of "Beverly Hills 90210", host of Gladiators 2000, and host of The New Edge, a weekend morning show created by CNET showcasing new technology (hm, looks like this guy really worked his way to the top... maybe I should stop being so mean to him and thinking of him as a complete tool.......... naaaaah)

America's Got Talent

Jerry Springer. Ah, Jerry Springer. I have to admit right here that I have always sort of liked Jerry Springer. He's just doing it all for the money and who can blame him. Everyone we are talking about here is doing it all for the money. Beside it looks like he's a foot and leg man, like myself. I used to watch his show back in college and get a real kick out of it, but I've outgrown that by now.
I think he actually does a pretty decent job on America's Got Talent. He seems to know what being a host entails, after all he has hosted his own scripted reality show for 16 years.

Former gigs: The Jerry Springer Show
Hosting Experience: The Jerry Springer Show

So You Think You Can Dance?
The lovely Cat Deeley. I feel I have already said enough about Cat and am way too biased to give any sort of objective opinion on her hosting abilities.
Former gigs: English disc jockey, television personality, and former fashion model
Hosting experience: co-hosting the UK children's series SMTV Live

On the Lot
Chelsea Handler was fired (after one episode!) from this gig and now has her own late night talk show on E!
She was replaced by Adrianna Costa, a sort of poor-man's Eva Longoria. She not so great, but neither is the show, so that's okay. You don't want your host outshining your show.
Former gigs: television personality, entertainment reporter
Hosting Experience: being an entertainment reporter is similar to being a host, especially similar to the hosting requirements of on the lot... both include: announcing directors' latest films

So it looks like maybe hosts aren't so important after all, or are they? Leave your comments.

Rage of Love

Regular readers of this space will know that I watch Age of Love not because it's enjoyable, but rather because I am faced with my own mortality (I turned 30 today). I'm hoping this show will show me the, erm, benefits of dating older women, which I will inevitably need to do unless I hit the lotto or remain alone for the rest of my life. But still my fetishes can't help but take over. I find myself hoping one of the two glasses wearers will win (preferably the younger, cuter one, to the right). As I have mentioned before, this is odd because they never wear their glasses in front of the man they are competing for. Therefore if I were the man they were competing for, I wouldn't even know they wear glasses. (I'm sure they don't care about my thing for glasses.)
Anyway, I find myself pushing for the younger contestants more and more. At first I figured, the younger women would be more annoying and the older women would be more mature and that would make up for their crow's feet and such. But now I see that older women can be just as annoying, competitive, jealous, and emotionally fragile as the younger women.
I only hope that I mature well. Oh, and also that younger women continue to find me attractive.

Deconstructing 21st Century Reality Competitions Part 2: The Prizes

Are these prizes really worth all the effort? Or are these people just doing it all to get on TV? I can imagine that being on some of these shows is pretty stressful and at times unpleasant. Sometimes you win a job (these shows are grueling than any job interview). Sometimes you win money, often payable in yearly allotments or with other strings attached (being on one of these shows is more difficult than buying a lotto ticket). If you won one show you got in a comic book. Sometimes all you get is a "title". Hell anyone can just give themselves a title for nothing. Okay, to be fair they also gave the winner a cheap trophy.

A famous controversial moment in Talent Show prize history is when Adrienne Curry, after winning America's Next Top Model, Cycle 1, was allegedly not awarded a modeling contact as had been implied, although not directly stated. She thought that being "Americas next top model" meant she would instantly become a model. There were rumors that Curry lacked commercial appeal. The truth of the matter is that Model in its first season was new and didn't have much clout yet, and really wasn't in the position to make a model. (Sort of like how Project Greenlight couldn't promise the winner that their movie would be shown in theaters). Curry called Tyra names in a nasty email. Tyra said in an interview that they have given Curry everything that was promised and that it was up to her to run with her own career from then on out. Curry eventually went on to marry a member of the Brady Bunch and have her own reality show focusing on their relationship. The glamazon's modeling career seems to be doing pretty well as she has had many photoshoots in many magazines, although she still will not appear as a visiting comeback winner on Model, unlike everyone else who has won.

Anyway, since then, what you win has been more clearly defined from the beginning to avoid such huss and fuss. Let's review what our sample shows dole out to their "winners":

American Inventor
Each of the three semi-finalists in each group receives $50,000 to improve their inventions. The winner receives $1,000,000 worth of business support, entrepreneurial counsel, physical resources, and prize money.

Next Best Thing
The winner will be crowned "The Next Best Thing" and also receive a grand prize of $100,000.

America's Next Top Model
An opportunity to be managed by Ford Models, a fashion spread in Elle magazine, and a $100,000 contract with CoverGirl.

American Idol
A record contract.

America's Got Talent
$1 million.

So You Think You Can Dance?
$250,000 and the title of "America's favorite dancer." Also, the top 10 performers go on a world dance our.

On the Lot
$1 million DreamWorks development deal.

I think some of these prizes are somewhat substantial, but not really worth it. You have to appear on dozens of episodes and fight your way against mean judges and caddy competing contestants, kiss up to the audience and finally at the end you maybe get a million dollars or less? What the hell? The cast of Friends was getting a million dollars each per episode for showing up and reading off the cue cards. Most of the money from these incredibly lucrative talent shows goes to the executive producers, and the contestants get the shaft. But still, the exposure these shows afford can be valuable, depending on what career you are interested in. Indeed many of the losers from these shows have gone further than the winners.

Deconstructing 21st Century Reality Competitions Part 1: The Judges

With much of the focus on the contestants and performances on talent competition reality shows, it can be easy to forget about the judges. Who are these people? Do we really need them? And most importantly, what makes them fit to judge? To answer these questions, first I will compare them to real judges, and then I will briefly cover the history of talent competition reality show judges to put it all into perspective. Finally, I will discuss the judges' qualifications.
In the legal system, judges are usually elected or appointed from amongst a pool of practicing attorneys. In contrast, reality show judges are usually appointed by the show's producers, or sometimes even are the show's producers. Judges in the legal system either pass judgment themselves or work together with a jury of peers to come to a conclusion, depending on circumstances. Reality shows often share a similar combination of power with the judges wielding some power and the voting audience wielding the rest. British Judges in courts wear big white powdery wigs, while British judges on American shows are just mean. I think if Simon Cowell wore a big funny wig, it would be more difficult for him to be stern and serious while pointing out contestants' flaws.
When looking at the current format of reality show judge panels (one overly mean British man, one overly nice dumb girl, and a third judge that falls somewhere in between in both niceness and smartness), many people believe that it all started with American Idol, but this just shows their limited American perspective. It all began with Nigel Lythgoe. Yes, that's right, the Nigel from So You Think You Can Dance, who looks like he could be the next Doctor Who. In 1999 was the judge on (and executive producer of) a New Zealand Show called Popstars, where his judging style earned him the nickname "Nasty Nigel". The show later had a UK incarnation but ultimately died. However it is widely regarded as have strongly inspired UK show Pop Idol (2001) which became the template for American Idol (2002). This strong British influence, can of course, still be seen in the genre: all these types of shows need a (preferably mean) British judge to the point where America's Got Talent has two British judges. Furthermore American Idol was created by a Brit and all three executive producers are British, as well as it's famous British judge.
So what credentials does one need to be a reality TV judge? Lets look at some current judges resumes:
America's Got Talent:

• David Hasslehoff, qualifications: none
• Sharon Osbourne, qualifications: at first she may seem the Paula-type lenient female judge, buzzing contestants far less than the other judges on average, but in musical acts she is the first to buzz when she doesn't like them, so I guess being married to Ozzie has made her into some sort of music snob
• Piers Morgan, qualifications: is British (nothing else I can think of: he is a British tabloid editor, so I don't see what that has to do with anything, so I think he's just the poor-man's Simon Cowell)

Conclusion: Judges seem overall woefully unqualified to judge talent (0 for 3)

So You Think You Can Dance:

• Nigel Lythgoe, qualifications: is British, is a choreographer, is the spiritual progenitor of Simon Cowell's judging technique
• Mary Murphy, qualifications: has a degree from Ohio University (Major: Physical Education Minor: Modern Dance), runs a ballroom-dance-teaching studio, is a choreographer
• Guest judge, qualifications: usually something relevant like choreographer or dance teacher

Conclusion: Judges seem very qualified to judge dance (3 for 3)

American Idol:

• Randy Jackson, qualifications: is music producer, is Grammy award winning musician, is Emmy award winning TV personality
• Paula Abdul, qualifications: was a singer
• Simon Cowell: qualifications: is British, is music producer, is particularly noted for producing the music of television characters

Conclusion: Two judges seem to be qualified because they have been music producers (2 for 3)

On the Lot:

• Carrie Fischer, qualifications: was actress in Star Wars IV-VI, wrote Postcards from the Edge (she has never directed a film)
• Garry Marshall, qualifications: directed films such as: Beaches, Pretty Woman, The Princess Diaries 1+2 and most recently Georgia Rule; Created the TV shows: Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley , and Mork & Mindy; Worked on the TV shows: The Dick Van Dyke Show, The Danny Thomas Show, The Lucy Show, and The Odd Couple (Incidentally, this guy is like a walking Bartlett's Quotations, with a quote handy for every possible situation)
  
• Guest Judge, qualifications: usually a famous director

Conclusion: Two judges have actually been a major part of the process behind a creative endeavor (sorry Carrie, acting or turning your own novel into a screenplay just doesn't cut it) (2 for 3)

American Inventor:

• Sara Blake, qualifications: is female, is the founder of SPANX, the multi-million dollar undergarment company with the racy name
• Pat Croce, qualifications: ran a physical therapy business, owned a basketball team, opened a pirate-themed museum and restaurant, wrote 4 self-help books, co-created a slot machine parlor with Donald Trump
• George Forman, qualifications: was a prize fighter, promoted mufflers, promoted a grill, has a Big-and-Tall clothing line; has earned three times more in product promotion than he did fighting in the ring
• Peter Jones, qualifications: entrepreneur who made his money in the computers and phones businesses

Conclusion: These people definitely know how to make money, so the business side of the equation is covered, but in terms of innovative ideas? Footless pantyhose? Slot machines? A grill on a slant so the grease rolls off? These aren't exactly world changing endeavors like the light bulb or the Internet, and most of them are minor innovations, not true inventions. (let's just say 50%)

Next Best Thing:

• Jefferey Ross, qualifications: stand-up comedian, insult comic, actor & director, Roast-master-general at Friar's Club Roast
• Elon Gold, qualifications: comedian, television actor, writer and producer
• Lisa Ann Walter, qualifications: actress, comedian, writer and film producer

Conclusion: Comedians & actors? Sounds okay to me. No mean Brits, but there's a roast master general. It could have used more impersonators, but impersonating is just a form of acting andyway (3 for 3)

America's Next Top Model:

• Tyra Banks, qualifications: supermodel, television personality and talk show hostess, ANTM creator
• Jay Manuel, qualifications: make-up artist and fashion photographer
• Nigel Barker, qualifications: letch and photographer (for anyone who complains that this show is a bunch of gay men judging women, Nigel's lecherous presence more than makes up for the lack of testosterone elsewhere)
• J. Alexander, qualifications: entertainer, former model, runway coach
• Twiggy, qualifications: was the first teenage female supermodel
• Guest Judge, qualifications: usually someone relevant to that week's challenge (e.g. a photographer the models worked with, a clothing designer who's line the models promoted, etc.)
  

Conclusion: Strong (6 for 6)

Overall average rating competency: 78%

So, it's all over the place with the qualifications. Some shows seem to have gotten it right on, while others just got whoever they could get. I mean, let's face it, anyone who is actually good at doing something is out doing it, not judging other people doing it. ("Those who can't do, judge"?) For instance, Speilburg is busy making Indy 4 and doesn't have time to sit on a panel of judges for a reality show that no one watches even if he did co-create the show. Likewise if Simon Cowell were the worlds best singer, he would be singing instead of producing.
What it really comes down to is: who's to say what exactly makes one qualified to judge some of these categories? And despites some of the judges questionable qualifications, what about the voting audience member? All they need to "qualify" is to own a TV and a phone.

So You Think You Think Gum is Sexy?

Another reason I like So You Think You Can Dance, is because I grew up watching Fred Astaire movies. For those of you unfamiliar with them, they took place in a magical world where even if you were a goofy looking Austrian and a girl hated you, you could always win her heart by spontaneously breaking into painstakingly choreographed synchronized dancing with her. In my later years it was explained to me that dance is a metaphor for sex in these movies. Luckily in these enlightened times movie-makers just use sex as a metaphor for sex.

Anyway, it didn't escape my notice that tap was conspicuously missing from the show's line-up of styles. I had thought it was because tap dancing has gone out of style. But this week's episode explained that there is not enough times between episodes to choreograph a complex tap routine. As a consolation, they had Jason Samuel Smith perform a tap routine. After the routine, Cat Deeley came out to announce that Enrique Iglesias would be singing later. Cat's shrug and Jason's face following this announcement were priceless. It's like they're thinking "What the hell?"
I thought exactly the same thing when he showed up on an episode of Two and a Half men last season.

This week also brought our second gum stretch in as many days. Is this some sort of new sensation sweeping the nation? First Posh stretched her gum out on her reality show. Then Lacy stretched her gum in an attempt to entice the viewers to vote for her. I think this merits a second "What the hell?" I mean, I think that it's kinda neat, but I'm into weird shit. Does America find this sort of thing cute? Sexy? Edgy? What is this all about? So You Think You Can Stretch Your Gum Out Further Than Mine?

Well, of course, it turns out that there is a whole fetish culture behind this. I would wager message boards on related sites were afire with posts about these appearances and bad screen caps accompanied lengthy flame wars about whose gum stretch was sexier, or whatever these people talk about. I don't visit these kinds of sites, but I would like to run one. The profits look pretty lucrative. A quick web search turned up some results, this one notable (NSFW!), where you can purchase videos, if you are so inclined, of girls stretching gum out of their mouth, two girls stretching gum between their mouths (Lady and the Tramp style), and of course the ever popular girl stretching gum out across her breasts. Double your pleasure, double your fun.
But I digress.Getting back on topic, I can't help but notice, So You Think You Can Dance's audience is mostly female. About 80%-90%, if not more, by my estimates judging by the quick flashes of screaming girls they show. The audience members closest to the stage seem to be 100% female at times, for instance, the row of women standing in front of the judges. I would wager this means if you are a guy in the audience, you have a pretty good chance of getting laid. Especially if you are a dancer.
What is this gender inequity all about? I'll freely admit that the contestants of this show are the best looking of any reality show (with the possible exception of Next Top Model, but I would lean towards this show because the contestants are healthy, sexy, strong, and confident in their bodies), but there are an equal number of male and female contestants, so that doesn't explain it. I guess women are just more into dance than men are. Does this make me a girly man for watching?
No, wait, I know what it is, it's that women are secretly into gum stretching, yeah that's it. Phew, my manhood is saved.

The Second Coming of Perez

Perez Hilton was on Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List. This marks his second appearance on reality TV this week, after appearing on Victoria Beckham's special. This guy has become quite famous by simply ripping on celebrities. I really am beginning to think that if I am just a bit meaner on my blog, I will be on TV in no time. I already was mean to Kathy in my comment on this post so I'm expecting to be invited onto her show any day now. Perez was really quite clever on D-List. First he called the paparazzi to make sure they would appear when he and Kathy were leaving the restaurant. Then he brought a copy of each tabloid with them and pretended to read each one in turn on a bench outside the restaurant. This way, each magazine would publish the picture of them reading that particular magazine in the magazine itself.
In another coincidence, Kathy went to England, which was also the subject of another one of my favorite reality shows last week, Gene Simmons Family Jewels. If you don't watch this show, you owe it to yourself to give it a shot, if only to see his son Nick, who is so damned funny he should become a stand up comedian. Anyway, Nick wants to go to College in England so he can get in the pants of some cute British student... and who can blame him.
So anyway, that's two reality shows this week where I got to see quick crappy European sight-seeing montages and a mean blue haired blogger who gets way more exposure than I.

Divorced Wrinkly Battle-Axes vs. Hot Young Nubile Babes

I've been watching Age of Love, not because it's good, most certainly not. In fact, of all the crap I watch, it may very well be the worst show. At best it's mildly painful and I usually find it difficult to sit through an entire 40 boring minutes (and that's fast forwarding my DVR through all the ads except those from Target of course) of the caddy women jealously fighting over Mark Philippoussis. No, I watch Age of Love because I'm about to turn 30 (on Monday) and the premise of the show resonates with me. I have a history of dating women in their twenties, and now that I am officially becoming "old", I realize that since I'm not a millionaire I can't keep that up forever. I may have to get used to seeing the benefits of older women. And let me tell you this show isn't exactly allaying my worries. Even though the 20-somethings come across as clingy, emotionally underdeveloped, unfocused, and less intelligent, the 40-somethings gross me out most of the time with their crow's feet and desire to have children quickly before it's too late. The girl I would pick is Megan (photo left), who happens to be the youngest at 21, which doesn't reflect well on my own maturation. (Although I may be swayed by her glasses, which she hardly ever wears, but looks better in.) I worried about all this until I realized that this show creates a false depolarized situation where women are only in their 20's or 40's. It completely neglects 30-something women, who I used to think of as "old" until I met the menopausal ladies of Age of Love. So look out 30-something women of the world... 30 is the new 19! Here I come!

Posh Hops the Pond

Posh Spice has moved from Spain to LA and of course the entire fiasco was documented on the show "Victoria Beckham: Coming to America" (executive producer? surprise, surprise: Simon Cowell) which aired this Monday. The show was actually much better that I reckoned it would be. She continues to surprise me with what a down to earth, kind, and funny person she seems to be. I think it's great that we get to see this side of her on TV, because she bitches it up for photographers. She specifically says that when there is press around she doesn't want to be seen "smiling, having fun, or eating" for fear of ruining her image.
We see her being playful in several circumstances, from stretching the gum out of her mouth (photo upper left), doing an impression of a blow up doll (photo right), and using her cell phone to send a picture of herself smelling her own armpit to her hubby back in Spain (photo lower left). And the scenes with her struggling with her personal assistants reminded me of Kathy Griffin's show. It goes to show that D-list and A-list celebrities struggle with many of the same problems.

But the highlight of the episode is when she confronts Perez Hilton after he blogs about her. Apparently he had said that she was a robot alien with large breasts, to which she sticks her breasts in his face and asks him if they are large? (photo below) Also he had drawn antennae on her photo on his blog. During their chat he goes onto his blog and edits the picture so that it is a crown instead.
Posh: Does this mean that if I were mean to you in my blog that you would come visit me? Because this could be arranged. If I said your feet (photo below) were large, would you come stick them in my face?

The Beatbox Queen

For all that I watch and talk about reality shows, even going so far as discussing at length the specific flavors of democracy that they use, I must admit here that I have never, not once, voted in one. But that is about to change. Tuesday night, I am going to place a vote for Butterscotch ("Smooth like butter, Hard like Scotch"), the 21 year old girl (photo left, embedded video below) with the subdued personality who can beatbox and play the piano at the same time or beatbox and sing at the same time!

I refer to the show "America's Got Talent," another of the many American Idol rip offs. America's got talent is a hoot to watch because it is the closest thing we have anymore to a true "variety show" (itself derived from vaudeville). These days anything with music and comedy is considered by some to be a variety show (e.g. The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, or even Saturday Night Live), but these are really just comedy shows with a musical performance or two. The last variety show I remember actually airing was the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour. You never knew what would be on next from a tightrope act to stand up comedy to a guy juggling knives to "The Yo Yo Man" doing yo yo tricks and also all different flavors of music. America's Got Talent has a similar feel. Unlike other reality shows where, oh look they are dancing again, or oooo here comes another singer, Talent is full of surprises. Magic performances, guys dancing on stilts and crutches, acrobats risking their lives, stupid pet tricks. It has it all. The judges aren't much to phone home about (with apologies to the always wonderful Sharon Osborne), and it doesn't have a beautiful host like Next Best Thing's Michele Merkin, or So You Think You Can Dance's Cat Deeley, but rather this is one of those reality shows that floats on the strength of it's contestants' performances and the different kinds of talent you find present. My biggest complaint is that there are singers being considered. Don't we already have a show for that? Really they should have made it "anything but singing". At least my girl Butterscotch can sing and beat box at the SAME TIME, unlike Idol runner up Blake. Maybe for the finals, Butterscotch will beat box and play the piano and sing at the same time. Who knows? But she has my vote already, and although I know that this blog is currently read by like only one person, I want to use this space to rally for Butterscotch. Everyone go vote for her tomorrow night.

The Next Best Thing to Real Pubes

The Next Best Thing: Who is the Greatest Celebrity Impersonator is a show where instead of showcasing your own original talent, you rip off someone else's. It is also another show I watch almost exclusively for it's hostess. Each week this show is the Next Best Thing to actually spending time with the lovely Michele Merkin. (photo left)
Merkin, at 5'11", would tower over even 5'9" Cat Deeley. And unlike Deeley, she's all straight lines. I don't think there's a curve in her whole body, except for maybe the curve of her ribs protruding through her flesh (photo right). And although people who know me know that I can at times be somewhat of a chubby chaser, I also like 'em tall and thin at other times.
But the most fascinating thing about Michele Merkin is that (and I'm not making this up, look it up if you don't believe me) she was named after a "merkin" which if you don' know what that is, and are too lazy to click on the link, I'm about to tell you. A merkin is fake pubic hair originally worn by prostitutes. A twat toupee if you will. The story goes that to avoid pubic lice, prostitutes would shave down there, but then to appear more feminine in front of customers they would wear a merkin. Again, I'm not making any of this up. In a time when hair down there was a symbol of femininity, and lice were as unpopular as they are today, I guess the next best thing to lousy real pubes was louse-less fake pubes.
Now I don't know why you would name your baby after a faux pussy beard, but in an interesting twist of fate pubic hair has seemingly gone way out of style recently, and women spend countless dollars and hours removing hair from every part of their body except the top of their head. I would wager that Ms Merkin has no hair down there, real or fake. Meanwhile the merkin itself has had a comeback in popularity of sorts, especially in Japan, but also, for instance, on the burlesque scene. I think Alanis might call all this ironic, but I wouldn't.

Ads that Hit the Spot

A lot of people go on about the Apple Ads, and they are pretty great. But my absolute favorite ads on television are the Target ads. In an age where ads are everywhere except the insides of our eyelids, and the more ads there are the less we pay attention to them, Target ads are a breath of fresh air. Target ads are SO good that I literally stop fast forwarding on my DVR so I can watch them. They are often better than the show I'm watching, which I guess isn't saying much with the crap I watch. Forget the Caveman series, Target should have a show in the fall line up. Whether it's hot women, kitty cats in glasses, grilling on tiny balconies, close-ups of feet in high heel shoes, puns, or just the Beatles music (sung by Zimbabwe-born Sophia Shorai), I feel like the Target ads are speaking directly to my consumerist insides with their promise of yummy goodness.

pysch-referential

Anyone who knows me knows I love self-referentialism. And also that I love USA's Psych. Last night's second season premiere served it up in spades. The episode opens with multiple references to Tivo, and of course I was watching he episode on my DVR (since I was at work when it actually aired). Then we have the "American Duos" the obvious satire of Idol and stab at state of reality TV in general. A more subtle reference that many may not have noticed is that 11 minutes in, Shaun and Gus walk by a pirate skeleton (photo left)... and obvious reference to Tim Curry in Muppet Treasure Island. Yes, Tim Curry guest starred on PSYCH as a Simon Cowell type judge named Nigel St. Nigel. This trend continues with the Paula Abdul type judge (who incidentally is more favorable than Paula herself on Hey Paula, if you don't believe me see for yourself, photo right) referring to Carlton Lassiter (player by Timothy Omundson) as "Mister Bean and Tony Randall, two who I can't help but think of as I see the character of Lassiter... especially considering The Thin Blue Line. (photo left)
Reality TV has already changed the face of television irreparably, and now even our scripted dramas reference the "reality" culture. Could this be another "tipping point"?
Have you heard that the writers and actors guild contracts run out soon and there is talks of a strike since they cannot work out their differences (in short the issue is that writers and actors want more money from DVD release profits). The ultimate conclusion of this may be that we may no longer have "scripted" television anymore, but only reality TV. Many networks and studios are already not green-lighting anything that has shooting schedules past 2008 because of this supposed impending strike. So if you don't already love reality TV, you had better get used to it.
Perhaps Season 3 of "Psych" will be a reality series.
And might I take a moment to digress to say that the beautiful Maggie Lawson (photo below), who plays Juliet O'Hara on Psych, has never looked better than when she is sweatily swinging her pony tale around teaching our leads to dance to Tears for Fears' "Shout".

Bend it Like Posh

I don't usually watch Leno, because he pales in comparison to Carson, but tonight Victoria Beckham was on, and since she and I share similar a haircut (see photo right), BMI (17), as well as "Posh" being part of our nicknames, I had to check it out. Her interview, I felt, went really well. In red carpet photos she comes across as the new Scary Spice (perhaps because she is so thin and rarely smiles in paparazzi or runway photos), but on Leno she really seemed nice. A true girl-next-store (she actually is a neighbor to Leno). She was full of smiles (see photo left) and the type of stories you would expect a normal person to tell. I guess I'm not the only one to notice this discrepancy, since it actually came up in the interview... Leno said something like "You have a beautiful smile" and Victoria says "I come across as a bitch in photos."

I was also similarly impressed Jessica Biel the other night. Suddenly Biel is the it-girl of Summer 2007 (similar to what Jessica Alba was last summer... why are men's magazines always picking on these poor innocent Jessicas... is it just because they have such rockin' bods?). Who's ass will we obsess over next summer? (photo left) Will it be another Jessica?
But (no pun intended) despite Biel's sex symbol status, she came across as a normal person you could relate to. She's meek, she passes out while sky-diving, she karaokes poorly, she wants a power-wheels... things we can all relate to.

So You Think You Can Vote?

So, I was watching So You Think You can Dance (or as the host pronounces it "So Ya Think Ya Can Dance" with the accent on "think" and with the phrase speeding up to the word think and slowing down from there to the end) on my DVR last night, and I was thinking about how I watch the show mainly because I have a crush on the host Cat Deeley. She has to be the prettiest person with a face that crooked in the whole world. Her right eye is up and to her right, while her left eye is down and to her left. Meanwhile her nose clearly curves down and to her left. And to top if all off, her upper lip curls up and to her right while her bottom lip sticks down and to her left. It is like a beautiful symmetric asymmetry. It is only really apparent when viewed straight on and while talking, which of course she is doing the whole time on the show. Her British accent is just a bonus on top of it all to intensify my harmless little crush.

As if to completely negate such wonderfulness, I am endlessly annoyed by the judge Mary Murphy. She has the fakest smile I have every seen (it's doesn't even look like a smile, it looks like she has something on her teeth, for instance whitener, and is trying to make her lips not touch them), she squeals like a pig when she gets exciting, and she says "ticket on the hot tamale train" way too often, and lets face it, ever saying such a thing even once is way too often. That dandy fop Nigel seems like his skin is crawling every time she opens his mouth. I know mine is.

But the show retains some watchability because the dancing is actually pretty interesting to watch, whether you know anything about dance theory/practice or not. I mean, watching people dancing is more interesting than watching people making clothes, singing, cutting hair, posing for photographs, directing a movie, etc. Dancing is so full of energy and displays the human form perfectly. Now don't get me wrong, SYTYCD is far from being my favorite reality show, but it would certainly go up in my personal rankings if they got rid of that monkey smiler (pictured to the left before entering make-up and before she got her veneers).

Ultimately Dance fails in a number of ways.

1. I am often more impressed with the choreographer's work than the dancers (So You Think You Can Choreograph just doesn't have a ring to it, does it), and that isn't figured in. For instance, if a couple gets a bad choreographer, they are treated just the same as if they got a good choreographer and danced poorly.
2. Having couples compete against each other with different dance styles seems unfair (on American Idol, the playing field was more even, which each contestant singing from the same genre or artist each week). If a certain style of dance is more popular amongst the viewers, the votes will be unfairly unbalanced in that direction.
3. The solo dance numbers are WAY too short
4. The phrase "dancing for their life" is annoying and overused.
5. I rarely care what the judges have to say.
   
6. The theme song sounds kind of evil for such an innocuously premised show.
7. Elimination is only indirectly tied to viewer votes. (It's a sad day when even reality show elimination has something akin to the Electoral College, although stating it this was is a bit of a stretch...). But this isn't even indirect election because if it were we could vote for the judges, and I would have voted Monkey-Mouth-Murphy off a long time ago. Really it's just a oligarchy with limited power! The judges can choose who to eliminate, but only if they are the the three candidates with the least votes. It's sort of like one third of a fixed-election, but the fact that it's fixed it right out in the open. Actually, now that I think of it, it is unlike any form of democracy I've ever heard of.
   

If it were just edited so that it was only switched back and forth between dancing and Cat Deeley talking, then it would really be incredible. But hey on the bright side, at least I (an East Coast boy) now know what "West Coast Swing" is. It's freakin' incredible is what it is.

Okay, so I haven't posted in three years and three months. A long time, but I'm sure it's certainly not a record in the blog-o-sphere. I guess I had better blog about something other than how I haven't blogged recently, because that's damned annoying. Not that anyone was reading this before, but unsurprisingly a lot has changed in the last three and a quarter years. I moved from Massachusetts to Oregon and now to North Carolina.
I wanted to plug my friend Jeremy's blog because it's so great... it's so much better than mine. In fact, it is SO much better than mine, that by linking to his blog, I am sure that I will lower his Google page rank and web-esteem in general (websteem?).
http://banditosbanditosbanditos.typepad.com/weblog/
I just realized that it looks like someone ate pea soup and barfed all over my blog, so maybe I should work on that.

What a beautiful beautiful beautiful day. I took a 12+ mile bikeride up to see the falls near Montague. Also grilled up some Mahi Mahi on the BBQ. Sat outside to enjoy the day. Perfect weather. Not hot yet not cold either, and no bugs (yet). Amazing. What a great start to May.

Yesterday was busy at work, but then in the afternoon my supervisor called me in her office and praised me for like an hour. Kind of a change for around here. Looks like my bosses finally realized that positive feedback will make me a better worker more than negative feedback only. After work I went to see Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004) and it was incredible.

This Saturday I went to Northampton for the Amherst Orchid Society's annual flower show. Also, watched "Do the Right Thing" On Sunday, I discovered my new gaming obsession Knights of the Old Republic. This game is so fun, and addictive, and professionally produced, now I see what everyone was ranting about last year. Bioware is just an unbelievably awesome company.